When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
