I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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