my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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