Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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