So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
