Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
