i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
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We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
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Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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