My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Randomize
