$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
