Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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