would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
