Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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