I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
