I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
