I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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