the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
