I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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