I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
