I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize