i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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