Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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