I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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