if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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