My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
