Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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