I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
