My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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