Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
