Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
