I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
