i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
