I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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