my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
