This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
