So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
