HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
