i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
why do cheetos always look like penises
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
