Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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