Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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