I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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