Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
