I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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