Even the bartender felt bad for me
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
