I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
