I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dicks are not precious.
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