Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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