Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
