Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
