New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
