You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im six kinds of drunk right now
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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