If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
