life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
