Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
