God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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