I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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