I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
