Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
