Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
