i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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