we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
