I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The best revenge is premature balding
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
