I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
